Integrating Active Listening

Here’s a tool designed to help couples practice Active Listening in their relationship therapy sessions. It provides structure for both partners to communicate effectively, ensuring that each person feels heard and understood.

Step 1: Set the Scene

• Agree on a time to talk, ensuring both partners are in a calm and open mindset.

• Choose a comfortable setting free from distractions (e.g., turn off the TV or put away phones).

• Establish the intention to understand, not to “win” the conversation or be defensive.

Step 2: The Speaker’s Role

1. State your feelings clearly:

   • Use “I” statements to express your emotions or needs (e.g., “I feel frustrated when...").

2. Describe the situation:

   • Keep the focus on one specific issue to avoid overwhelming your partner (e.g., “When you don’t reply to my texts...”).

3. Request a change or solution:

   • Offer what you need or would like to see happen (e.g., “I would appreciate it if you could reply within a few hours”).

4. Stay calm and patient:

   • Avoid raising your voice, and allow your partner time to process.

Step 3: The Listener’s Role

1. Give full attention:

   • Put away distractions and focus entirely on the speaker. Show attentiveness with eye contact and body language (e.g., nodding).

2. Reflect back what you heard:

   • Paraphrase or summarize the main points to show understanding (e.g., “It sounds like you’re saying you feel ignored when I don’t reply quickly. Is that right?”).

3. Empathize with their feelings:

   • Acknowledge and validate the emotions behind their words (e.g., “I can understand how you might feel frustrated. I’d feel the same way”).

4. Ask clarifying questions if needed:

   • If something isn’t clear, ask open-ended questions to ensure understanding (e.g., “Can you tell me more about what you need in this situation?”).

5. Refrain from interrupting:

   • Allow the speaker to finish without interjecting your own thoughts or solutions immediately.

Step 4: Taking Turns

• Switch roles after a designated time (e.g., 5–10 minutes) so both partners have the opportunity to speak and listen.

• Repeat the steps: Once both partners have expressed themselves and actively listened, share any final thoughts or feelings, ensuring both feel understood.

Step 5: Reflection & Next Steps

• Reflect together on how the conversation felt. Were both of you able to listen actively? What did you learn about each other’s needs and emotions?

• Create action plans based on the conversation (e.g., setting a reminder to reply to messages or checking in regularly).